From Reaction to Reality: Our New Normal

As healing as it is to share our experience with Theodore, writing about it made me relive all these moments. Reliving them brought back all the emotions and feelings in full force. From the hopelessness of not knowing what was wrong with him, to the constant worry about what to feed him, and then the utter fear of watching my 18-month-old have an anaphylactic reaction—everything came flooding back.

Once we knew Theo was safe, the aftermath of emotions came rolling in. It was a mix of numbness, guilt, fear, anxiety, and panic. Going back to our “normal” life after that was impossible.

Before his ANA reaction, he went to daycare, I let people babysit him, and he stayed overnight with family. After his ANA reaction, I couldn’t fathom leaving him for a minute—and I didn’t. Just the thought of going back to work after maternity leave made my stomach hurt.

I interviewed multiple people to come into our home, where everything was now safe, but I still couldn’t do it. Between the cost of a nanny and the thought of not being with him 24/7, I just couldn’t go back to work.

Being a stay-at-home mom to three kids, all under the age of three, was never part of my plan. But looking back over the past few years, I think it was the silver lining in this situation. I was able to stay home, keep Theodore safe, help educate our friends and family, and spend time with my babies—time I never would have had otherwise.

I’ve lived with anxiety most of my life, but much of that anxiety was over irrational fears like car accidents or freak events that were unlikely to happen. This anxiety, however, was about my child’s life—an ordinary life of eating lunch, going to the grocery store, or attending a birthday party.

Thank you to those following along, especially through the beginning, because it’s not easy to share the hard things. As I’ve said, it is very difficult for me to write. It’s hard to share, and it’s hard to let all the feelings and emotions come rushing back. But five weeks from now, we fly out to California to start clinical treatment for his food allergies, and I’m hopeful that these posts will be less sad to write, with more positive things to share.